GASTRONOMICON

I’ll tell you lads and lassies that the very bottom of this Scots-French-Canadian pie is soggy and lying in the half-baked mix is the most charming and beautiful fox. Appearances can be deceptive though (this is because fox comes from faux which means artificial, bogus, dummy, ersatz, factitious, fake, false, imitation, imitative, man-made, mimic, mock, pretend, sham, simulated, substitute, synthetic, etcetera) and if, out of traveller’s curiosity or solutioneering lust, you poke the fox with a stick, this charming devil will leap up and ensnare you in his mouth. Still you laugh and make moves to pet for it is written elsewhere that, having no hands, the chomp is the handshake of fox and you are fully expectant that together you will go about sweet things in the wrong and right ways. Gazing up from the soggy mixture, hand still clutched in the mandibles of your unexpected lover, you fancy you see, at the top of the GAN, a shadowy figure dancing through the rustling Canopy. A bittersweet refrain floats down; Oh gods kill me, will this heap of steaming coils ever end? Out of the chip pan into the face hole out of the face hole into the chip pan...