EXCERPTS

She was staring thoughtfully at his swaying organ. It was weighed down by a set of master keys entangled in a black dishevelled merkin.
“Foucault’s Pudendum,” she decided at last.
Jason Donovan

“Ah ye’ve goat me there. Ahm a blackhearted radge, wi no redeemin’ features, a liar, a menace an truth be telt, ah luv the burds. Shaggin is ma metier. As ma aunt Clumhentai wid tell ye, ahm a wee c**t!”
Dan Brown

Every cock-driving networker in Bo’ness must have Nintendo’d her face-talent in their midst, just as experienced papps would sniff out a Camden-based fame-denialist. Skankhammer pretended to think very hard.
“Stunning creature?” he asked gentritiously.
“Aks, you kissy son-lover! Fi’ sho yoo’s cappin’ who am takkin ‘bout, heh—dis lahk a secret? Yo mother—sister aint be ahnsrin no texts, n’ Clunyhammer aint be on Skype or shit, jus be Tweetin’ lakh comm 2nite for gastro, n’ de schmack hoemie posseeblee-maybee gonna be there. Yu gonner jezz me hoob dis cover-girl innit?”
JJ Charlesworth

On Lord Stillborn-Bill's’s left, Miss Ashmouth gleamed and smiled coquettishly at no-one in particular, and spouted black smoke from out of her eyes.
Alex Tobin

Well, thes wis ef e paoca weth evarything elsi—ind saruly Gandalf wauldn’t soy sech u thang ef he didn’t heve riesenibla ovadince. Gomblong, tia. Add thut ta tho rost end at meda i pratty sert ef blockgaard.
Gerald Smith

Skankhammer knew immediately what had happened. He was no stranger to facial hair himself and was, in fact, a regular user of Tend Skin which helped ‘free’ his ingrowing beard hairs. Left untended, the tough hairs curled in on themselves, creating dark little lumps that, when squeezed, made the long hairs, trapped beneath the skin, pop out like worms on a rain-sodden lawn.
Susannah (Hunter S) Thompson

Sir Urano’s stomach was beginning to ache. The woman jumped about from one sofa to the next with no logic whatsoever. Sir Urano ate illogic. He ate non sequiturs, and at the moment, he was so hungry that he would have liked to choke on her.
Matthew Black

“Sien Mors hett ook blot twee Haelften. Hett ook blot twee Haelften sien Mors, sien Mors.Then you agree it’s futile to attempt to communicate with him?” she asked over the birds cawing.
Carola Deye

Skanky did not think herself, as Mama had always complained, excessively fastidious, but it really was quite impossible to accept Mr. Courtyard who’s favourite ice cream is strawberry cheesecake, or Sir Undernail, who’s oven could only cook two pies and they took nearly forty minutes, or Mr. Welt, who plainly smelt of fish.
Susan Doyle

Currently, there are some things you do not understand.
Stuart Fallon

If he squeezed any tighter she’d pop out of her kecks. He were holding her just a bit too close to the hand-dryer and her arse were roasting, but now she were totally distracted by the way her hand had just fell casual-like to his arse and it were well-fit, actually, and all she could think on were the fact her breath were going a bit raspy.
Thea Stevens

The facts are simple.
After a period of escalating of sexual tension, She (the defendant) went into the garden to undertake some light yard work with Mr. Skankhammer Shaveylon (the plaintiff). After exchanging stilted innuendo, the plaintiff left the garden alone, without providing the defendant sexual gratification. The defendant seeks both non-pecuniary and punitive damages.
Angela Beck

“I am working for the New England order of Protection,” he explained, as he pulled up a chair opposite her. “If I hear anyone coming, I‘ll go out that door.” He pointed at the window.
Jason Minsky

She’d already swallowed countless mouthfuls of his warm metallic blood, and his weakness was clear; slurred words, shaking knees, pounding pulse pounding less. Bleeding to death? She dismissed the thought, and twisted out the words, “deh moosic wroom! Deh mwoosicx groom!”
Neil Ogg

Aided and abetted by an interfering, overbearing old woman and her unspeakable nephew, his daughter completed an ill balanced triumvirate dedicated to soft pastels and Anaglypta. They were a minor chapter of the Incomplete Order of Home Builders and could be identified as such by the ancient marks and runes of Macro, Lidl and Ikea that adorned their official overalls
Ewan Sinclair

Skypejammer and Skankhammer faced off over the last remaining copy of Alexandra Burke’s début album in Tesco. They both unleashed their erect penises ready for battle. Skypejammer howled, “exceptional tool!” Skankhammer retorted, “IM GOING TO EAT IT FOR BREAKFAST WITH PLUMS!” Darkness scooted over the florescent lights of Tesco. Battle commenced.
Ben Newell

Her breasts heaved like two wooden floorboards of the bathroom whose thirst hadn’t been properly quenched by the varnish applied and now bowed as the moist air penetrated every follicle of the exquisite cherry wood, exposing the depths of the floorboards and the green sponge of the underlay. Mr.Shaveylon longed to sink his face in to the gaping crevasse. He imagines the lax skin of his camel face catching on the edges, ripping his cheeks clean off as if to protect her from any damage that could do the whole floor ill.
James Thomas Phillips

Skanky was making mini pizzas out of smashed biscuits about the time the two gentlemen were indulging in their calf leather filters. Fistka, who co-facilitated guard nearby, prioritised the delegation of making analogues of human goodness from qualities of determination courage and precision. As a result, Miss Ashmouth was not only ravenously strategic but refreshingly culture changed by the time she joined the others for the gazing. One look at her father’s face told her there were more state-of-the art human capital programmes to come.
Prof. Neil Mulholland

Yes, HONKing. Lord Pudendum Detritus flushed and thrilled at the thought - it had been some hours. He moved in closer to Miss Ashmouth in order to sweep his HONK up her HONK, lightly. He speculated that she didn’t notice this subtle action particularly.
Kathryn Elkin

“But did you know that Bulgar wheat is a member of the rhubarb family? Did you know that sweet chestnuts are not chestnuts at all? The Romans used them to make polenta! Did you know that Harvey Nicks do chocolate coated ants? I bought some for my aunt. I brought four dozen to her party served them with the canapés and passed them off as chocolate pretzels—like the trashier Nigella (He cupped a pair of spilling globular imaginary breasts) she ate the whole plate. My dear Aunt, the mad old bag!”
Conal McStravick

Answer Skankhammer leafed, shed seed too heavenly sore rubble pitting here senses tether—shed wood bean sow acquaint onto their sect offer Mr. Wordsworth only mints deflower.
Nick-e Melville

You’re bleeding you fool.
Lyle Mitchell

The draft fell to the floor with a silent hush. After a while of cold hard crystallised perceptible reflection, he looked up from the desk and saw them coming towards him—the CUNT and Miss Ashmouth. Fuck! Skankhammer muttered to himself. I really do need to control the pain.
David Osbaldeston